The quiet child is the one I worry about most

Most parents feel relieved when their child stops crying quickly at drop-off. I understand why. The tears are hard to walk away from and when they stop it feels like things are okay.

But I want to share something that not enough people in childcare say out loud, because I think it matters.

A child who goes very quiet at drop-off, or who stops crying almost immediately and just stands there looking blank, is not always a child who has settled. Sometimes that child has simply learned that crying doesn't change anything. They've gone somewhere else inside themselves. And that is a sign of a child who is not coping, not a child who is fine.

I'm not saying this to alarm you. I'm saying it because understanding the difference matters enormously for how we respond.

A child who cries loudly at drop-off is doing something healthy. They are expressing a real emotion. They are communicating. They are saying I don't want you to go and I'm not okay with this yet. That is actually a good sign. It means they are attached, they trust you, and they have not yet learned to suppress what they feel.

The response to that child is not to ignore the emotion and wait for them to get used to it. The response is to take it seriously and build trust slowly, at the child's pace.

At Faces we use an approach based on gradual exposure, which is the same method child psychologists use when working with children who have separation anxiety. The parent hands the child to their key worker and leaves. The key worker stays with the child until they calm down. They have one positive experience together. Then the parent comes back.

On day one that might be five minutes. Day two a little longer. Each day the child learns something. They learn that the key worker is safe. They learn that their parent comes back. They learn that they can feel scared and get through it. These are not small things. These are foundations that will carry that child through starting school, through friendships, through every new situation they face as they grow up.

Separation anxiety that is ignored at preschool age does not simply go away. Research is clear that early intervention makes a significant difference to long term outcomes. A child who learns at three that they can manage being away from their parent, with the right support, is a very different child from one who never gets that chance.

If you've noticed your child going quiet at drop-off, or if mornings have become a battle that never seems to get better, please come and talk to us. We take this seriously because we know it matters.

Sam Wheeler Faces Kids Club & Preschool, Brentwood 01277 204018