Your child isn't fine and that's okay. Here's what we do about it

I want to be honest with you about something that not every preschool will say out loud.

If your child is regularly upset at drop-off, that is worth taking seriously. Not panicking over, but not dismissing either. A child who cries every morning, or worse, a child who goes very quiet and withdrawn, is telling you something. And in my experience that something is usually that the separation is too much for them right now.

Faces has been caring for children in Brentwood for over twenty years and in that time I've seen a lot of drop-offs. The children who concern me most are not always the ones who cry the loudest. Sometimes it's the ones who stop crying very quickly, not because they've settled, but because they've learned there's no point. That quiet shutdown is a sign of a child who is overwhelmed, not a child who is fine.

So what do we do at Faces when a child is struggling?

We don't push through it and hope for the best. We slow down.

The parent brings the child in and hands them directly to their key worker. Even if the child is crying, the parent leaves. Not because we don't care, but because a lingering goodbye makes the anxiety worse not better. The key worker stays with the child, stays calm, stays present. They wait for the child to regulate. Once the child is calm they have one positive experience together. A book, a game, something simple. Then the parent comes back and takes the child home.

On day one that might mean the child is with us for five minutes.

Day two, if there are tears again or the child goes quiet, the same thing happens. But this time they stay a little longer before going home. Maybe ten minutes. Day three, a little longer again.

What this does is teach the child something very important. It teaches them that they can be away from mum or dad and be okay. That the person they've been handed to is safe. That their parent always comes back. And crucially it teaches them this at a pace they can actually manage, rather than a pace that simply overwhelms them day after day.

We've done this with many children at Faces. Parents have stood outside in tears listening to their child cry inside. It is genuinely hard. But within days, sometimes just two or three, those same children are walking in confidently and happily. Not because we pushed through it, but because we took it seriously and went slowly enough for them to actually build trust.

This approach is backed by decades of research. John Bowlby's attachment theory established that children need a secure base to feel safe enough to separate. Gradual exposure to separation is the evidence-based approach used by child psychologists for exactly this reason. And the EYFS framework requires every registered setting to have a key person for every child specifically because that relationship is the bridge between home and the setting.

If your child is struggling at drop-off and you're not sure what to do, come and talk to us. We're not going to tell you it's fine when it isn't. We're going to work with you to make it actually fine.

Sam Wheeler Faces Kids Club & Preschool, Brentwood 01277 204018